Am I the shards that people see or am I the fragments that I feel? Which one is the truth?
My lifelong search for the truth comes to a harsh stop here. I have tried to excavate myself from the ‘truths’ that people know about me. In a different era, I tried on these truths as if they were pieces of clothing that were very dear to me. Long ago, I would try it on, buy that piece and roam around in it believing that it is the only piece I own. It would become the only snug, warm coat that would keep me warm. Nothing in my own wardrobe would make sense at that time. I wouldn’t even be able to see what else is in there. As it turns out, I have many many such snug, warm coats in my closet. None of them are mine.
But now? Now, I don’t need these snug, warm coats. They don’t seem to belong to me. They feel ill-fitting and odd on my body. Try as I might to make them fit, they don’t. But, I have taken on so many many coats that removing them, undressing, feels like a daunting endeavour. With each coat that comes off, I come in touch with one fragment of mine that I lost. It feels cold and perverse.
Each fragment is like that one sock you find at the back of the wardrobe when you decide to declutter… once every 5 years. Where was this sock when I was frantically searching for it, feeling so cold and in need of some touch? Where was this sock when I needed to be held? Where was this sock when I could have done with some tenderness? Oh! I remember! I gave up the search because I found the coat instead.
And now that I have finally found it, and its pair, what the hell do I do with it? Will I need the coat or will I need the socks? The snug warmth or the tenderness? Do I keep what is mine or do I keep what was put on me?
Which truth do I embrace?
Comentários