Struggling with depression is one of the hardest battles I have fought so far. Moving from one day to the next felt like a monumental task. Simple things like getting out of bed and showering seemed pointless. If I am just going to get back in bed, what is the point of even getting up? Talking to people took effort. Being left alone seemed blissful but then again, when I was alone, I would battle thoughts that I could not voice to anyone in my life. The days just kept moving and weeks and months passed like this. Me struggling and other people trying to understand.
The one thing that my recovery period has taught me is that it makes me tunnel visioned with respect to my emotional, social, behavioral and mental issues. I struggled so much for so long to just get through the day that for a very very long time, that is all I could think of. I was consumed with thoughts of how I would manage simple tasks like, making tea for myself, replying to mails, eating. And even when I was well into my recovery, the fear that it may all come crashing back down and I needed to be prepared for that kept me firmly rooted with blinders on.
The brutal thoughts that come with this go something like, “I am being selfish because I can no longer think beyond myself. Who does that? You are so self-centered. Look at everyone else, helping each other out. And here you are, just sitting in your own world, reading your books, not getting out. And for what? Everyone has problems, everyone is dealing. Why do you think you are so special to ‘not care’ about the problems of the people around you; the ones that have stood by you? They will not stand by you anymore. They have had enough. How long can you go on like this, wrapped up in your own head? There will be an expiry date to this understanding. You are very close to it. And what will you do then? You will be all alone. You are just being a burden on them right now by being the way you are being. Their lives would be so much better without you. They wouldn’t have to worry about one more useless thing. They could go on and do whatever they loved and felt like. You shouldn’t be here? Should I just end it all? Wouldn’t that be better?”
Making things worse, seemingly mundane things like greeting someone when you meet them, responding to people in conversations, just nodding so they know you’re listening, became tasks. They became a checklist that I carried around in my head so that no one noticed how much of an effort I was actually putting into it. But my close friends knew me better than that. So they saw through this effort. And some questioned it, got frustrated after a point. Because aren’t friendships supposed to be two-way streets? But here I was, taking, taking and taking some more, sucking them out of their own mental energy.
Do you see the spiral? Do you see how wrapped up in my own thoughts I could get? It is no wonder that I felt selfish on most days. Even now, I have to remind myself that there was nothing else I could do at the time for anyone else. I needed to take care of myself. But our society doesn’t teach us that. It tells us that if we take care of ourselves first and foremost, we are being selfish. And so I spent most of the time believing that.
And slowly, steadily, your friends let you be. They stop calling you, making plans with you, coming over. It was easier that way, wasn’t it?
And now, I can go back to my books.
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